A woman wrote me recently asking what she should do with her relationship. She’d been involved with a man for the past 18 months and he hasn’t shown her that he wants anything more than what they have right now. She wants more. Here’s my advice to her, which might be helpful to you:

Hi Kathy,

You are right about men generally knowing right away if a woman is “the one.” But not always. I believe in allowing a relationship to unfold in it’s own time, but everyone, especially when we’re older, needs to determine with complete clarity, what they want, and not settle for less.

It seems that you want a long-term committed relationship, probably marriage? Am I correct? If that is the case, if he hasn’t been talking about “when we’re married” then at 18 months, it’s probably not going to happen.

It appears that you have 3 options:

1) Continue the way you are, not knowing where it’s going but relaxing and simply enjoying what you have

2) Tell him you want to get married (or whatever it is you want, but be very specific) and see what he does, which might be:
a) he might realize he doesn’t want to lose you and offer what you want
b) he will let you know he doesn’t want anything more than you have now
c) he’ll say it’s time to call it quits

3) Leave if he can’t give you what you want and be okay with however your future unfolds for you

Sometimes we stay with someone because we can’t stand the idea of being alone. But to be able to create a healthy relationship, we really do need to be okay with being alone… meaning we need to get to a place that we are enough within ourselves, that we know how to love ourselves and how to create meaningful relationships through friends and family.

Sometimes we leave someone, not realizing that we were so hung up on a fantasy of what we thought we wanted, that we can’t see any other alternative. I knew that I wanted the sense of belonging and being in a partnership that only marriage can give. But because he and I shared that we both wanted that, when I told him I didn’t want to rush things, that I wanted the relationship to unfold in it’s own time, in it’s own way, we were able to relax and enjoy the process of getting to know each other and developing our relationship. Not everyone has that luxury.

It would probably be a good idea for you to have a heart-to-heart, open conversation about where you both want things to go. Be open to what he has to say and really hear him. Then you can decide, together, what should happen next. Be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear. And don’t get emotional because when that happens, the communication stops.

My book, Men Made Easy, which is one of 3 *free* ebooks that you receive when you test drive being a Dating Success Gold Member for 2 *free* months, would be very helpful for you to have this conversation, and possibly – depending on where he is with the relationship – to get it to turn your way.

I hope that helps her, and if and when you’re ever in the same situation, that it will help you as well. One thing that does make a difference is being very clear about what you want. I have a course with that title, What Do You Really Want?, which helps you get clear so when you meet Mr.  Right, you’ll recognize him.

With much love,
Kara

Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™
DatingSuccessTechnology.com

Relationship Success Systems, Inc.
28438 Quailwood Drive
Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275
Ph: 805-687-2448

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