I was listening to Regis and Kelly this morning while painting my toenails (women understand that you can’t paint them at night because you get sheet marks) and Jim Carrey was on, talking about his girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy. He was beaming that what worked for them is they encourage each other to be themselves. Duh… This is so obvious, but so often missed. If more of us gave that gift to each other, we’d have a lot more happy relationships. (Watch a very funny video clip of Jim being interviewed by Oprah at the Huffington Post.)

My fiance’, Chris, tells me all the time that I’m the first woman he’s ever been involved with that not only lets him be himself, but encourages him to do so. He appreciates this more than just about anything. He also raves about how supportive I am of him, which is part of accepting him for who he is. That doesn’t mean I don’t ask him to  change certain behaviors that irritate me, as he does with me. (In case you’re now wondering, one of his irritating habits is that he does that off-on thing with the gas pedal when he drives. It makes me car sick. When we were driving for hours every day in Scotland last summer we came up with a signal where I just lifted my hand and pushed it forward and backward, rather than saying something. He admitted that  he hated it when his dad did this and doesn’t like how it feels when he does it, so he actually thanks me for reminding him.) But who he is as a man, that’s what I encourage. And he does the same for me. We actually point out what we appreciate about how different we are, even though there are and always will be challenges.

In my book, Men Made Easy, the first secret about men is: Men need to feel understood and accepted for who they are. We all want that, of course, but women tend to be more inclined to feel the need to change men. I explain why in my book. For this conversation, notice how you might be considering getting seriously involved with someone and say to yourself, “Later, when we’re a committed couple, or when we’re married, I’ll get him to change. Or, if you’re list if requirements is too strict, then you can’t even see past something that might be simply an irritating habit. If you offer your feelings with love, they’ll generally want to stop doing something that is upsetting to you. But if you harp on something, and make your partner feel bad and wrong, they’re not going to want to please you because they’re going to feel threatened.

One of the things I want women to understand more than just about anything else is that their behavior can cause a man to adore them, cherish them, want to move mountains for them… or they can cause a man to be repulsed them them. It’s all a matter of wanting more for ourselves, then doing what needs to be done to make the kind of changes that will bring more light, happiness and ease to our lives.

With much love,
Kara

Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™

Relationship Success Systems, Inc.
29438 Quailwood Drive
Rancho Palos Verdes, CA 90275